I still feel like I'm going to die in this place.
But until then, I will be holding vigils and watching my back. It's necessary, I ditched my pocket knife at the airport, but I have a machete. It won't stop a bullet, but I think I need it tonight.
I don't know what to do. Whenever I talk to my dad or my mom about running away again, they simple say that I can't. That it's just not gonna happen. I think it's possible, but I still have my concerns. My family has this influence, and it could be my downfall.
I feel as if my doctors, my family, this entire town, knows about me.
They say it takes a village, it's likely that many people know where I live.
I'm not able to freely eat, sleep, shid, or shower. It's just a waiting game.
Waiting for the one who puts a bullet into my head.
It could happen tonight, or a month from now.
I don't know what to do anymore.
My mom said that "anything can be done if you have enough money". I can feel whatever she may be implying.
My doctor says that "she knows people".
My sister says that she wishes that I felt safer, that everyone was healthier, that she hopes we'll feel calm and settled one day and comfortable, "you know?".
Even the memes my frens send me seem like they have implications.
My uncle keeps singing this song (in another language) that goes "Because I was not your fren, nothing more.", while saying his nickname for me.
He just handed me a plate of food.
Just yesterday, I walked in on my sister crying. As if she was mourning. We talked for a couple of hours, and she kept trying to talk me down from worrying about my safety. But then it started to seem like she was trying to trick me into believing that I'm safe.
She was talking about how my mom made a "purchase" for my cat. How she won't need to have a cone on her head for much longer because she ordered a protective vest for my cat.
I worry about what that could possibly mean.
I get it, many people will come to convince me that I'm talking crazy, but I can't be so foolish, can I?
I've hurt these people in the past, it would only make sense for them to want to hurt me.
God damn it all.
Everything feels so cryptic and out of place.
I can see it coming. I don't know what to do. All I feel is this overwhelming sense of impending death.
I feel complacent with the reality of the situation, I think thaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.